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In China, panicked parents fish for mates  

Posted: Monday, April 20, 2009 2:54 PM
Filed Under:

By NBC News Bo Gu

BEIJING – On Sunday afternoon thousands of people gathered near Beijing’s Bird’s Nest stadium for a mass blind date.

But the scene was not the usual one of young swinging singles mixing and mingling; rather, it was full of anxious parents looking for love for their still single adult children.

At the entrance a billboard with heart shaped signs gave attendees instructions: "If you are a parent of a son looking for a girlfriend, please wear a blue ribbon. If you are a parent of a daughter looking for a boyfriend, please wear a red ribbon. If you are a single, please wear a tag [saying] ‘I’m looking for you!’"

Bo Gu/ NBC News
Parents crowd into the matchmaking event in Beijing’s Olympic Park.

Parents strolled around hunting for different colored ribbons, striking up conversations and asking for details such as "How old is your daughter?" or "How tall is your son?" They exchanged information, complete with pictures and resumes, in the hope of finding their son or daughter the perfect spouse. 

Some parents did manage to bring their children along. Zhao Qi, a 31-year-old businessman who sells sea cucumbers – a product many Chinese believe to be extremely nutritious – came with his 74-year-old father.

"I’m not picky at all…age or appearance…they are not important. I just want to find someone who I can talk with, who I feel comfortable to live with," said Zhao.

Dressed in a gray suit and sporting a shy smile, he voiced his concerns about the dating scene. "Girls now are so choosy, they are very hard to please. I only have a diploma from a vocational school, so I think my low education is the reason they don’t appreciate me that much."

Compared to the son’s bashfulness, his father, Zhao Lianrun, seemed more anxious and aggressive, having bought him an expensive apartment near the Summer Palace, one of Beijing’s main tourist destinations. He’s ready for him to start a family.  

"I didn’t have a son until I was 43 years old. Now I’m over 70, and I can’t wait to see a grandchild," he said. "People have introduced many girls to my son, but my wife is too picky! She wants the best for him, so we are here today to take a look."

Image: mother takes a closer look at the profiles of available singles
Bo Gu/ NBC News
One mother takes a closer look at the profiles of available singles at the matchmaking event. 

Disproportionate numbers
As a result of the one-child policy, introduced in China in 1979, and a cultural predisposition for males that has led to forced abortions and female infanticide, there is a disproportionate number of eligible young men in the country. 

In the year 2000 there were 117 boys for every 100 girls – and that ratio is believed to have grown.  Worrying about your child’s marriage prospects has long been a major part of Chinese culture, but the striking statistics have compounded the issue.

There is a saying in China: "There are three ways to be unfilial; the worst is to not produce offspring." (The other two offenses are not listening to your parents and not making enough money to support them when they are old.)

The culture pressure to marry has led to an explosion of matchmaking businesses.

Zhang Ying, deputy general manager for a dating service called "I’m looking for you" (www.95195.com) and the organizer of Sunday’s event, said more than 10,000 people showed up at the venue over two days. While the event was free, her dating service currently has over 100,000 members in Beijing – each paying about $44 for lifetime service until they are married.

China’s National Population and Family Planning Commission estimates that by the year 2020 there will be 24 million more men than women, so dating service companies look set to continue being one of the countries’ growth industries.

And imagine 48 million desperate parents looking for love …

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Comments

The Chinese should start thinking about polyandry as practiced in one of its provinces called Tibet. (Tibet is a province of China, right?) Of course it is now illegal there, but the government in Beijing could fix that.   Anyway, polyandry in its main version is where a woman may have more than one husband.  Of course a woman would be obliged to treat every one of her husbands equally. Beijing (and other cities)could have polyandry fairs at least once every year, where women could come and bid on husbands who would be on display in booths in a central pavilion. Yes, I know this is a shocking and distasteful thought, but China needs to learn from Tibet, and this is where it could begin.  It's either something like this, or the Chinese will be forced to return to those "good old days" where a man could have more than one wife (or concubines for that matter).  Prostitution is no alternative.  Yes indeed, polyandry might just be the solution to those Chinese wedding bell blues.

Ray Manhattan, Kansas (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 3:24 PM)

What is interesting about these, in Shanghai they are held at People's Park, is how there are different channels forming.. people advertised in parks are different than those who go to matchmakers.. and that while the desperation in the parks is almost exclusively parental, the desperation on the client side at these matchmakers.

Also interesting, and related to your previous post, is that women are beginning to take a more assertive role as they amass wealth, and rather than join a man's family... they are bringing men into their family. An issue we covered in our post  China’s New Faces: Marrying into Her Family  (http://china-crossroads.com/2009/01/21/chinas-new-faces-marrying-into-her-family/).

r
www.china-crossroads.com

crossroads, shanghai, China (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:01 PM)

Looks like the Chinese are going to have to "fish" in other waters where there are other large Chinese populatons, like Singapore and Malyasia.  Unfortunately, here in the states, I've heard that of all the nationalities of husbands, Chinese make the worst.  And that was from a girl, a Chinese college student.  (But then, a Japanese girl told me that Japan produced the worst husbands, too.)

Barb B. (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:04 PM)

Why is the divorce rate so high in China?
I have seen numerous Chinese women looking for husbands, they should be married still.

Greg, Princeton, Indiana (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:10 PM)

WELL IF MEN CAN HAVE MORE THAN WIFE WHY CAN'T WOMEN HAVE MORE THAN ONE HUSBAND MAYBE THAT WILL WORK OUT FOR THE CHINESE.  EVEN BETTER STOP RETRICTING THEM FROM ONLY HAVING ONE CHILD AND MAYBE THE WON'T KILL OR SELL OFF THE FEMALE BABIES.  SOUNDS LIKE THE GOVERNMENT SCREWED UP AGAIN

ME, BELLEVILLE, NJ (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:12 PM)

well maybe if people would stop killing there daughters or being ok with just having a daughter rather than a son, maybe they would not be in this predicament!

D.F in KS (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:18 PM)

China needs more bars and more chicks!

Unclegeekster (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:19 PM)

The problem with the Chinese culture is they value male much more than female.  As one of my Chinese colleague has stated, "the Chinese government will face a harsh reality when there are not enough women to go around".  As seen in recent documentaries, there are villages with no women in sight!  And, in today's world, women are more independent and earn their own living, so they can be chosey when finding a mate.  

Puss, Sunnyvale, CA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:26 PM)

the chinese are limited to one child for a reason, they have over a billion people, the population must be controlled or they will suffer a culling through starvation.
multiple partners is not the solution, and quite frankly, the rate of birth needs to drop further. the more males they have without partners is a positive sign that the government plan is actually working and puts the life of the female children in a more valuable position.

joe (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:28 PM)

Hmmmm.  If they're having difficulty bonding their children, why not a modified polygamy?  To adjust for the unmarried ratio, each woman will have the right to five husbands, and each man has rights to four wives.  Each woman is allowed two children.  As population growth goes, that stabilizes population overgrowth.

Bwaa Haa Haa!  Madness abounds.

I'm Moving to China!, Cleveland, OH (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:33 PM)

I type in capital letters because I am a raving lunatic.  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Judge, CA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:45 PM)

I wish writers would proofread before their articles are posted online. I found at least 3 mistakes without even looking for them.

Katie, Syracuse, NY (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:45 PM)

Mr. Ray from kansas, just like a typical American, always have to plan to solve everything even though you probably never been out of state let alone seen Tibet. Stick to Jayhawk basketball and try not to voice opinion about a Country you have never been to or seen.

Duncan San Jose, CA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:46 PM)

They brought this onto themselves. Now they're paying for another mistake they made years ago. Having the sons die alone or partner up with each other, that's the price they pay for being so sexist in this contemporary time.

TS (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:47 PM)

Gee, what a shock.  Nobody in China wants to have a girl.  Suddenly there are not enough girls for all the boys.  This may not be the way the Chinese government meant for it to work out to control overpopulation.  However, if they keep going the way they are, there will no longer be any women and a lot of very frustrated men.  In which case, where overpopulation is concerned, problem solved (if there are no more women, then there will be no more babies).  

MrChris (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:57 PM)

To Ray in Manhattan--the answer is NOT polyandry, having women have more than one husband, the answer is NOT KILLING CHINESE FEMALE BABIES, for pete's sake!  This problem wouldn't exist if people who only wanted sons (instead of being happy with whatever God gave them) didn't kill their baby girls, either in utero or after birth.

Jen, Gibsonia, PA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:58 PM)

Polyandry may be not way to go for most conservative Chinese parents;such practice is very much against their tradition and culture which steeped in "perfect match" for both sides in terms of social status and financial ranking.Their one-child policy has backfired and created an unusual opportunity for female population to gain unforeseen advantage in picking their mates or afford them a better bargain.For those who engaged in female infancide in the past must kicked themselves now with profound regret and guilt now.Serve them right!

Frank Chung, Arcadia, CA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 4:59 PM)

@Me:  No, you don't want them to do that - they definitely need to restrict the growth of their population.  The problem is that traditionally a girl joined the husband's family, so she was of no value to her own family once she got married.  But maybe now with this shortage of women, a woman will be worth her weight in gold (good ol' capitalist supply and demand). Families will start to value their female children as much as they do their male children.  That would certainly be a first in the history of China.

Marysia_Too (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:02 PM)

Maybe the shortage of women will force the Chinese to evnetually value girl babies more.

Philip, Phoenix, AZ (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:11 PM)

There are a lot of common misconceptions from the west regarding the cause of this phenomenon.  Most blame it on the one child policy or the imbalance of gender, while the income imbalance may play a bigger role.  Chinese are generally a lot more "choosy" about their spouses than westerners, and to make thing more complicated, parents have too much weight in the decision.  It's not just a man has hard time finding a wife, a woman who is only a bit over the normal marriage age will have enormous difficulty in finding a husband because men are worried that she may not be a virgin any more, or she may be too old to produce children, etc.  Adding to that, a lot of young women don't want to marry an ordinary men and live an ordinary life.  That's too mundane and hopeless.  Those men of status or money usually "support" several women in their lives.  Some live quite far away from the man and only get to see him a few days or weeks a year.  But as long as the man sent them money, and they can live a good life without working like a dog, that's worth it, in their eyes.  And the marriage crisis is not just limited to singles.  Married couples are endangered too.  Young unmarried girls find it easier to make a living by fishing any man with means than to find work to support themselves these days.  There are so many "cheap" girls around that a married man even with pretty good moral standing will find it hard not to succumb to temptations.

Jenny Yeh, Kent, WA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:13 PM)

It seems to me that much of this problem is of their own making.  One child policy + men want sons = If the wife has a girl, the husband leaves the wife.  many many single mothers with daughters there.  Also, Chinese men all want to be with 20 year olds.  If a woman is 30+, she is too old.   Guess these guys are going to have to start dating "Older" women (30+) with children.  

Marmot5 (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:17 PM)

A consequence of having over a billion people, with males being perceived as the more desirable progeny by parents. Rescinding the 1-child policy would be disastrous (the globe is tremendously overpopulated as it is - policies restricting birth number will eventually have to be adopted by other countries also).  So, for the foreseeable future, this unfortunate situation for the Chinese male may persist.

Steve Lohrb (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:36 PM)

The one child policy is there for good reason.  What Chinese cutlure needs is a value shift recognising the indisputable importance of females. Perhaps the situation is a much needed wake-up call.  

M. Kloeckner, Gitwangak, British Columbia (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:37 PM)

I am talking with a Chinese woman who lives in China.  I have talked to several who were beaten. Chinese men treat their wives bad.  Chinese men leave their kids with the mother so they can have another inside of another marriage.  Chinese men do not want a woman who already has a child.

BG, Ponchatoula, LA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:43 PM)

I don't believe polyandry will solve it. That'll mean there will just be an increase in males because if a woman has say three husbands, and so therefore, three babies, that'll be three more males instead of more females in the way China's culture is. I say that they should be allowed two. One male, and one female. Not two males, or two females. Yes that'll still cause an abortion/infanticide, but it'll allow the birth of more 'wanted' females and hopefully a rise in the ratios.

Amanda, Orlando, Fl. (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:50 PM)

China is facing a demographic nightmare of tens of millions of young males with no corresponding females.  As these men enter adulthood, they will become dangerous, almost invariably, and could cause social chaos, civil war, or war.  Likewise, India has a similar problem.

In either case, about the only solution is state intervention to increase the relative number of females.

Ruth J. Juhl (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 5:55 PM)

I have never understood these societies that ONLY want male offsprings! Why is it that when the male:felame ratio becomes horribly skewed do think THEN start to think "well maybe we should encourage more female children"?

For a group of people that are supposed to be so smart, they really do have an ass-backwards way of looking at their repoduction policy!

B,Pittsburgh,pa (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:21 PM)

Due to the one child policy, there are more males than females in China's population.  The government is concerned that this disproportion will destabilize the country and undermine the current political system.  How do you keep excess males who do not have good prospects for work from acting out?

Barbara, New York, New York (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:27 PM)

Here in Appalachia (eastern U.S.), the problem is quite different.  The "average" person can not count on the offspring to support the parent in old age.  The most common scenario, unfortunately, is the parent supporting the child through adulthood, through rehab, etc., until the parent dies.  Even in a "good" scenario, insurance for an entire family is impossible to afford, getting a job requires stabbing someone in the back, and feeding a bunch of babies is as hard as foraging through a jungle.  I am so lucky that I had the foresight to have a vasectomy before I had any kids, considering that my newly unemployed friends are getting their groceries for their families at the Salvation Army.  I'm not making big bucks, but I don't have to attend some ridiculous match-making conference to pawn off my kids so that they can take care of me when I get old.  Making babies for the sole purpose of insuring your own well-being in your old age is selfish and humliating.  A cultural shift is required in countries such as China where children are viewed as insurance, rather than humans.

Greg (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:28 PM)

Due to the one child policy, there are more males than females in China's population.  The government is concerned that this disproportion will destabilize the country and undermine the current political system.  How do you keep excess males who do not have good prospects for work from acting out?

Barbara, New York, New York (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:29 PM)

maybe now the chinese will stop aborting or drowning infant girls

Lea, England, UK (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:33 PM)

after reading this, I no longer worry about the Chinese taking over the world. I think they are going to legislate themselves into extintion.

DryHumper Seattle WA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:36 PM)

My wife is chinese. I wasn't looking for a chinese wife per say, I was looking for love and found her. And no I'm not Chinese, I'm from American from Hispanic descent. Anyways, we had a normal courtship and marriage.

Jose Luis, Houston, TX (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:39 PM)

Why don't they just share girlfriends & boyfriends, husband & wives?  You know... the Communist way!  Better yet, if the government should force pair singles together. Problem solved... the Communist way!

ikazuchi (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:42 PM)

female infanticide....
"Girls now are so choosy, they are very hard to please" (read: men no longer have control over women)...

call it Karma...results of their actions.

strained empathy (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:48 PM)

Why not just import women from regions where the ratio of women to men is much higher, like latin america for example. Over there, there is 10 females for every 1 male in the population. They're very beautiful because of the intense competition, smart, and highly educated.

Alberto, Porto Alegre, Brazil (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:51 PM)

I guess the young men in China will have to go where all the unwanted Chinese female babies were shipped to: The USA! This may make internet dating boom in ways never dreamed of.

MNS (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 6:57 PM)

Ok people I will makethis simple and easy to understand.  There are way too many people on planet earth. I for one have chose not to have any children. However the world as a whle is WAY overpopulated. What the real question should be is how are we going to wind down the amount of people on the planet without anyone suffering any more than they are now?  With less people on the planet we will have:
1 more food
2 more fuel
3 more room
4 less polution
5 less cars on the road
thats just the beginning.  We all have to make sacrifies if the world is to move along and not turn into something out of a science fiction movie.
So it is not just China but the world. China, India, Malasyia, and any other country coming up on one billion population. Think long and hard people because this is not going away until the world as a whole decides to stop.

Chris Jonas (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 7:02 PM)

It's not that simple. The reason the Chinese government implemented the one-child policy in the first place is to slow down population growth. According to the government, the one-child policy has prevented 250 million more people from being born since 1979. Can you imagine if China had 250 million more people?

Oscar, San Diego, CA (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 7:09 PM)

Social engineering at its worst.  Restricting families to one child - forced abortion - finding a wife that will please *mama*.  What a nightmare.  Will we ever learn.  I seem to remember Pope Paul VI predicting this in a papal document he wrote in July 1968.  Humanae Vitae, it was called.

Joan Haselman (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 7:33 PM)

The one child policy has kept the Chinese from their cyclic famines where millions starne to death.
I south America there are Indian tribes in the mountains that practice female infanticide because it is the males that support the parents. So they are in the same state. A woman marries all the brothers of a family. Therefore she purpetuates all the brothers family genes, yet has mant husbands to support her and her offspring so all survive. Additionally, a woman can take care of several males sexually. A man can't. From one who knows :)

melissa bishop Texas (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 7:34 PM)

They would have more women in China if the parents didnot murder the female children.  Chinese want sons, not daughters.

michael, parker, az (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 7:53 PM)

Such a nice people. If you've never been to China then you don't really know anything about the place. I was born and raised in southwest America. Went over there and was I ever surprised. I had believed everything that was published by the media here. Bad idea. To have 17% more men is only going to bring the Chinese people more hardship. Think about for a minute. That equates to the entire population of America being only men. Well close to it. What a nightmare. Chinese folks have a history of killing each other. Americans on the other hand can go somewhere and just kill a bunch poeple because our security is at risk. With 250 million more men in China there may be a blood bath coming. I hope not. The country is so nice.

9th step (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 8:12 PM)

I think it is a shame what is going on in China, but quite frankly they have no other option then to continue the one child policy, which in effect causes an imbalance in their sex ratio.  With a population of over 1.3 billion people and only 14.6% of their land arable, a large increase in population would put stress on their agricultural system that is already exhausted by strong demands.

August Sean, Porland, Oregon (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 8:39 PM)

Seems kinda sad, like the swan song of an ancient culture and the custom of filfial responsibility....
 This is a small price to pay to end female infanticide, another ancient chinese ritual.  

Kristen Scott (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 8:46 PM)

There wouldn't be such desperation on the part of the parents if they knew there are enough females for each of their sons.  But now that there is such an excess of males, no wonder the parents are worried and the ladies can be so picky.  Evil policies(killing off the baby girls) always has unpleasant consequences.

Clare, Orlando, FL (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 9:05 PM)

Many men from other countries desire Chinese wives because they are more traditional. In Japan some young women refuse to marry due to the obligation to aging parents. Men from the Island off China's coast do not like the modern women of their country. As a result the women are looking husband abroad.

Cheryl Lee Queensbury Ny (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 9:15 PM)

At least the Chinese take marriage, the foundation of every society, seriously.  The USA is home of the six-year and same-sex marriage.  The rest of the world should just ignore American advice on how to run a society.

Ian Blokesworth (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 9:18 PM)

well...maybe it's time for gay liberation to hit china...that should take care of about ten percent of the 22 million guys. don't think for a second that all of those available guys are straight.

mark steely, carbondale, illinois (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 9:21 PM)

And over in Belleville NJ, I bet their government is doing alot better :)...I wonder what it would be like if China didn't loan us $$$ to help our nation survive.  Without the Chinese, our country would be in a 10 times worst position then we are now.  

josh (Sent Monday, April 20, 2009 11:02 PM)



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